you're not going to believe this... or maybe you will

I enjoyed the notetaking work this week. And I'm withdrawing from the program. I'm going to stay with legal doc-pro.

I feel like a colossal idiot. But this is what's best for me.

On Tuesday, I had a good class, and enjoyed the atmosphere and the work. I was nervous, but it went well, and I felt optimistic about my prospects.

On Wednesday, I woke up at 5:00 in the morning with a revelation. I'm doing the wrong thing.

I'm giving up working two or three days per week for my income-earning job and having the rest of the week free for writing and my own projects, for the reverse. As a notetaker, I'll be working five days a week. They won't be eight-hour days, but a big block of time will be taken up, leaving pieces of the day around it.

In my experience, that is not conducive to creativity. I've done it, but it's not preferred. Working in the evening is not an option for me, and never was. I'd be home all weekend without a car - Allan is still working on weekends - and those would likely be my writing days. So I'd be working five days a week, and writing two. I worked for years to get out of that situation! Why am I sending myself back into it?

What's more, Allan and I would be working opposite schedules again. We'd have weekday evenings together, but the only times we could plan anything during the day would be when classes were not in session. We've had many different schedules before, including completely opposite work times. Do I want us to go back to that now?

I had a sudden dread that I was doing the wrong thing. And the more I thought about it, the more I knew it was true.

I knew about these drawbacks. But for some reason, I thought it would be worth it. (Plus, I didn't have other work. Now I do.) I was focusing on the positive, trying to be optimistic, trying to convince myself it would be good. Now suddenly my optimism gave out.

I spent so much time researching this work, making phone calls, sending emails, I tested at Manpower, tested at George Brown, sat through a three-hour orientation. Why didn't I realize all this during that process? I don't know.

I feel like an idiot.

It's interesting work, I think I'd be good at it, and parts of it would be enjoyable. But it's the wrong move for my life.

I'm sick of my day-job, but as Allan has reminded me, the whole point of those jobs was that they aren't particularly demanding, leaving us fresh for the work that's important to us. I have several projects on tap for the fall. Why am I committing to work that will tie up the better part of my week?

So, despite feeling stupid, I'm withdrawing from the program. If I stay, it would only be because I've come this far already, and that's no reason to do anything.

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