1-800-you-suck

Tomorrow my sister is making a big party for our mother's 75th birthday. For many reasons, it was too complicated for me to attend. My sister, my mother and I all agreed that I should come at an easier time, when we could have a more substantial visit, not at a party.

Feeling bad about my absence, and wanting to acknowledge my mother's special day, I thought I'd send flowers.

Originally I thought I'd have flowers delivered to the party (a little showmanship there), but quickly learned florists won't deliver on Sunday, at least not during summer.

So I thought I'd have them delivered to her home, a couple of days before the event. I called 1-800-FLOWERS, and ordered something really special - a huge arrangement of orchids, lilies and roses - with a note from me and Allan, saying we were sorry we couldn't be there, to enjoy her special day, and that we love her.

I knew the moment it arrived, my mom would pick up the phone to call me. So when I came home from work yesterday and there was no message from her, I knew something had gone wrong.

I called 1-800-FLOWERS. They said, "Oh, it wasn't delivered."

It wasn't delivered? Any explanation?

No. UPS didn't deliver it.

No further explanation. It was as if they expected me to just say, "Oh, thanks," and hang up.

Could I have the same order delivered tomorrow, Saturday?

No. UPS doesn't deliver on Saturday.

After wading through the phone rep's jargon-filled spiel, I learned I could place a less exotic order, to be "florist-fulfilled" - that is, delivered by a local florist on Saturday. I also wanted a discount for the screw-up of the initial order.

This took several trips to Hold, where I was regaled with 1-800-FLOWER commercials (I'm already here! What more do you want?). Just what I wanted to do after working 12 hours.

I was disappointed that I couldn't place the first, more special order, but a dozen long-stemmed roses are beautiful, and I knew my mother would love them, and I could adjust.

I spoke to my mother this morning, as I do every Saturday, and she didn't mention anything. The day went on, still nothing.

Just now, I called 1-800-FLOWERS. They have no record of the second order. It's like it never happened.

Grrrrr.

To make it even more annoying, the little voice in my head was telling me to call a florist in my mother's town. Whenever I don't listen to the little voice, I regret it. Every single time.

Two lessons here. Listen to the voice within. AND DO NOT USE 1-800-FLOWERS.