I wrote the previous post in various airports, and am writing this post from home. I just proofread and corrected that post, so if sharp readers caught the typos, they should now be fixed.
We are so happy to be home! We couldn't wait to see Cookie and Kai. We had three flights, a total travel time of 18.5 hours, and everything went smoothly.
We are both off today, then back to work tomorrow. I did not check my work email once in the whole two weeks! Yay me!
After this final post about the trip, I have a collection of random notes that we've been saving. I'm hoping we can post photos on the weekend, or at least the following weekend.
A cave, a bad tour guide, and unwelcome propaganda
We drove a long, winding way to the Meramec Caverns. We could tell from the roadside ads that the place was old and outdated (not the cave! the company running the tourist attraction). I expected the tour to be a little cheesy, not as interesting or complete as it would be at a national or state park site. But nothing could have prepared me for what waiting for us.
I knew we were in trouble from the start.
The tour guide asked, “How are you folks doing today?”
I said we were great, and asked him how he was.
He said: “I’m just OK. I have this problem with my leg. I had an accident. It’s somewhat better now, but not all the way. When it first happened, I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t move my leg! I said, oh no, what the hay. And then I had to have an operation. The doctor said. . . ”
This went on for a long time. We were barely two steps from the ticket booth.
At first we were the only people on the tour. Tour Guide asked, “Where you folks from?” Then he lectured us on Canadian coins, their various dates of issue, which ones he’s missing, the date the "one-cent coin" was discontinued in Canada, what a "five-cent coin" costs to manufacture, and probably ten things I blocked out.
We were standing in a huge cave with spectacular stalactites, stalagmites, and columns. TG would occasionally interrupt himself to share a fact
about those.
Advertisements for this cave claim that the outlaws Frank and Jesse James used the cave as a hideout. Historians say there is little to no evidence of this, but whatever. But would you believe it? There were life-size cardboard cut-outs of the two men “hiding” in the cave.
This cave was also featured in an episode of “Lassie,” the TV show about the beautiful Collie dog that rescues everyone. And sure enough, there was a life-sized, laminated photo of Lassie, on top of a big stone feature. It was everything we could do to
keep from laughing.
Then we learned all about the history of TG's dogs.
Shortly after this, another couple joined the tour. They were on a Route 66 drive, a popular road trip for many Americans, and this cave apparently figures into that. (Throughout our trip, we have seen "Old Route 66" signs. We have no particular interest in tracing a defunct route around shopping malls and abandoned buildings. Each to their own!)
TG seemed to feel more comfortable with them that with us, and directed most of his conversation to them. This gave me an opportunity to hang back, putting some space between myself and the lecture. Allan was busy taking photographs.
The cavern itself was amazing. It's part of a large cave system, a small portion of which is open to tourists. The stalactites, stalagmites, and columns are impressive and a little spooky. One space is full of very unusual features called botryoidals, which look like clusters of grapes growing on vines.
Caves are an amazing natural phenomenon. They don't need fake outlaw legends or fictional heroic dogs. They don't need coloured lights, which the guide would turn on here and there. Nature is spectacular. Information about natural wonders helps you appreciate them more. Information about your TG, not so much.
In addition to TG's accident and his coin collection, we heard about: his parents (how tall they are, how old his mother lived to be, why his parents got married to each other three times, where his father is now, what his mother died of), school groups (how many kids come in, what he tells them, how he feels about them, what he does when they're not there), and several other fascinating and relevant topics.
Then came his science fiction novel. The plot, the subplots, the characters. Allan whispered to me, “Dude, there are only two writers on this tour and neither of them are you.” That may sound snobby but imagine how we felt at that point!
This just went on and on and on. All about him.
Sometimes I would ask a question about the caves, or one of the other people would. TG would take a break from talking about himself to answer
it. Anytime he talked about the cave, he spoke really fast, spitting out facts he had
memorized. The actual information about the caves was often impossible to
understand.
When we were in Newfoundland in 2007, we had an experience with someone we called Unintentionally Hilarious Tour Guide. Wmtc readers who know Newfoundland guessed that the folks in the tourism office played a joke on us by assigning him as a guide. He was clearly developmentally or intellectually disabled. We were nothing but friendly and polite to him; the joke was clearly on us. (That post had 50 or 60 comments. Now lost.)
It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt
The tour of Meramec Caverns would have topped that experience in Port Union, Newfoundland. Then it was no longer funny.
We found ourselves suddenly, inexplicably trapped in a little theatre, being subjected to American military and Christian propaganda.
In a part of the cave near the end of the tour, you climb some steps and find some seating. There are wooden pew-like seats installed in a room of the cave. After a brief preamble, TG started a video.
It began with bible verses.
I said quietly, but loud enough for everyone to hear: “There
was no mention of being subjected to scripture on this tour.”
After the bible passage came images of US military people in planes, tanks, and ships – and a recording of "God Bless America”. Loud. And on repeat!
After the military images came images of smiling, happy Americans, surfing, running on the beach, and laughing. All the Black people were laughing. Look how good America is to the Black people! We've included them in a video! Yay us!
We. Could. Not. Believe it.
Why was this happening? What does this have to do with caves?
The video ended concluded with another bible verse.
Remember: we can't leave the room. Without TG switching on lights or using his flashlight, the cave is dark. We don't know which passageway leads back to the ticket booth, or how far away that is. We are literally a captive audience.
In a moment of
quiet, Allan said, “I'd like to know why there isn't an opt-out for this, instead of for the
stairs?” (We heard much talk about 58 steps, and what to do if you can’t or don’t
want to walk them.)
TG talked over the end of Allan’s sentence and
continued the tour. I assume that is how the guides are trained to react to
objections.
You might think I'm making too much of this, that it's a harmless few minutes, or perhaps a cultural difference, and why do I have to be so sensitive.
Imagine if a Muslim tour guide made visitors listen to passages from the Quran.
If a Jewish tour guide asked everyone to join them in reciting a Hebrew prayer.
How about join socialists forcing you to listen to “The Internationale”?
Does that seem appropriate? To us it's the same thing.
Only a Christian would
assume that everyone else is Christian. I’m not
saying all Christians make this assumption. But in North America, only a
Christian has the privilege of not having to think about this.
Unless the company knows perfectly well that this is inappropriate and it is intended as propaganda. I don't know which. I know that it pissed us off royally.
I plan to complain about this. Companies who engage in shit like this should hear from people they have offended. I fear my complaint may amuse them, since they clearly have so little respect for difference and inclusion. I won't let that stop me from speaking up.
And PS: Why must every mention of Kate Smith -- whose rendition of "God Bless America" is so famous -- contain a joke about her size? She is supposed to be revered, the song is a sacrosanct piece of Americana, but we can detour from that to ridicule a fat woman.
And PPS: In case you are not aware, Woody Guthrie wrote "This Land is Your Land" in response to the Kate Smith recording of "God Bless America". The original refrain was "God blessed America for me". Woody changed it to "this land was made for you and me" to remove religion from it entirely, and to include everyone who was listening.
I'm going to suggest the Meramec Caverns use that song instead.
Alcohol and good food improves everything
We couldn’t leave the caverns fast enough.
By this time, it was after 7:00 pm, and we hadn’t eaten anything but cookies and candy all day. I thought that near the airport hotel, we might only find fast-food, and I was hoping to avoid that. I googled a bit, and found several tacquerias in neighbourhood near the airport.
When we found a place we were looking for, it was almost 8:00 and they were about to close. Allan wanted us to try a Mexican restaurant next door, which appeared to be open. Good move.
Two gentleman greeted us. We asked if we could get food to
go. One man, the owner, said, You do not wish to eat here with us? I said, the
place looks lovely, but we’ve had a very long day, and we’re very tired.
They brought us menus. Music was blasting and I couldn’t focus. Allan, taking care of me, suggested we move further down the bar to get away from the music.
We
ordered, and started chatting with the owner. He asked if we wanted a drink
while we waited. I heard the words “fresh squeezed”. The next thing we knew, he
was mixing up margaritas with fresh lime. He showed us fresh pineapple and
strawberries, saying that most folks start with a classic margarita, then
venture into his fruity specialities.
As a rule, I never drink tequila, but what good are rules on
your last day of vacation? By the time the food came, we were ready to eat at the bar. We would have been happy to eat from the takeout
containers, but they would have none of that, and quickly brought us warm chips
and salsa, and soon after, our food.
This is a very new restaurant. Jorge, our host, told us that
it opened right before a blizzard, then flooding rains. No one was coming and
he was losing money, fearful for his investment. Then business started to pick up. Yesterday, for Mothers’ Day,
it was packed.
When we finished, Jorge brought us a dessert, on the house – a rich sponge cake roll, with fresh strawberry jam, rolled in chocolate. I could only manage a bite or two, but it was amazing. Allan was very appreciative that I was too full for dessert.
I told Jorge I would write reviews, and encouraged him to use social media to promote the restaurant. He said he believes that having quality food made of fresh ingredients, and great customer service, should be enough. But people have to hear about your restaurant in order to experience your great food and service! I hope he’ll consider it. Meanwhile I will add the restaurant to TripAdvisor.
By the time we left Casa Don Pedro, we were feeling much
better, but also exhausted. The airport hotel was an easy check-in, we returned
the rental car, also a snap, and the hotel (just across the highway) picked us
up.
Then came the daunting prospect of re-packing in some semblance of order for plane travel. It wasn’t so difficult. We were not looking forward to the long travel day – St. Louis to Toronto to Vancouver to Comox, then a three-hour
drive to Port Hardy – but we were so excited to see Cookie and Kai!
One more post to come, odds and ends, including highway signs.
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