6.04.2005

what i'm watching: bill maher, al franken, gore vidal

Our friend G the LB sent me a transcript of the season finale of "Real Time with Bill Maher". I don't get HBO, so this was a treat, especially since Al Franken and Gore Vidal were among the guests.

There's not much in the transcript that would translate into a post, but the monologue bit gave me a few laughs. And now I will give them to you.
Well, the big non-story this week is the plane that wandered near the White House and did nothing! Bush wasn't even there. But when he heard that there was a plane that was nearing an important building, he was immediately rushed to a middle school so he could sit there like a lump.

Actually, the president was on a bike ride. In the middle of the day. That's comforting, isn't it - that the president is on a bike ride in the middle of the day. He wouldn't have even suspected anything was going on, except on the way home, they didn't stop for ice cream. So he was like, "What's up?"

Well, we've got big trouble overseas. Have you heard this? In Afghanistan, they are rioting in many cities against Americans because they got wind of the fact - I don't know if it's a fact, but they think it's a fact - that Guantanamo base in Cuba, our soldiers, some of them, apparently flushed a copy of the holy Koran down the toilet. Now, this is the kind of stuff that makes us very unsafe because it makes jihads want to kill us, and we're all going to die.

Okay, but I've got to give it to Halliburton. They make a heavy duty toilet. I've got to say, wow! I once tried to flush one of those Jehovah's Witness pamphlets down the toilet. I flooded my whole basement.

Now, the big controversy here, the John Bolton nomination for the U.N. ambassador - yes, it has cleared committee. But, get this, now Larry Flynt has entered the fray. He says he has evidence that John Bolton participated in paid visits to a swingers' club - and forced his wife to have group sex. Wow. And today, Ted Kennedy said he has heard enough. He's voting "yes."

Now, in the Michael Jackson trial, oh, man, this - see, I've always defended Michael, to a degree, but when I heard this - because I'm on PETA, you know, I'm with the animal rights - apparently it came out in the trial this week that Michael made the chimpanzees, his pet chimps, do housework. They were the cleaning ladies there at Neverland. You know, it's one thing to have sex with the kids, but to make the chimp get the towel, that is where you lose me...

Here is my favorite story of the week: a woman in Kansas who had suffered a traumatic head injury, had not spoken in over two years, spoke her first words the other day. And her husband, who was watching the game at the time, said, "Can't this wait for a commercial?"

All right, here's my other favorite story of the week: a Michigan court of appeals -- this is great - there was a cable access show called "Dick Smart" - or it had a character called "Dick Smart." He was a talking penis. Trying to tell kids about contraception and so forth. Well, the court of appeals there said this constituted indecent exposure. They have laid down the law that you cannot have a talking penis on TV. Fox News reacted immediately. And has fired Sean Hannity!
My favorites are the JW pamphlet flooding the basement and "wait for a commercial". Come to think of it, that's almost too real to be funny.

Full transcript here. Enjoy!

6 comments:

sleepybomb said...

his is the funniest show on tv, better than the daily show because it's more balls out! his usually has a righty, a lefty and a lefty celeb. no one is spared tho . . . very smart show!

L-girl said...

Hey Sleepy! Nice to see you.

Maher has the advantage of being on HBO - he can get away with more. Good for him for using the opportunity.

G said...

I wish I got his show up here, but sadly I don't. So transcripts it is. I remember his late night show a couple years back, that was great and pushed a lot of those same boundaries. Wish he had greater exposure than HBO brings, though ... oh well, at least non-specialty cable still has Jon Stewart.

L-girl said...

You can't watch your hero's show? That sucks.

HBO brings pretty wide exposure, at least in the US. Millions of people get it just to watch The Sopranos.

I've always chosen not to get HBO, Showtime, etc. We spend enough money on cable for high-speed internet and the MLB package, and we don't watch much TV other than baseball. These days almost everything I would want to see on will be on DVD eventually.

But hey, if it's your favorite show, you should get it!

David Cho said...

It's actually funnier to read those lines than hear Mahler deliver them. His delivery skill isn't very sharp and crisp.

G said...

Yeah, that is true.

Although it is a very dry approach, which, when the joke is right for it, works extraordinarily well.

I am looking for the show on DVD. Hope to get it soon.